hold on tight..

i have a feeling that we're coming to an end.. saturday manila time finally i brought up the issue about her friendster.. she tried to explain but never admitted that she's lying about her password and i never insisted for it although i know and i am 100% sure that i am right.. today i know its sunday for her, sunday night to be specific and the last time we spoke was saturday around 6pm her time. no call, no text no nothing.. i tried calling her but i got no answer.. she works from mondays-sundays and usually sunday is our make up time. i called their house twice i was able to talk to her mom and her mom said that she's not home yet and is currrently at antipolo because of work.. after an hour or so i tried calling her house again and her mom said she's on her way home.. and another hour passed still no word from her, i tried calling her phone over and over and she's not answering my calls. im actually preparing myself now for the ending.. probably she's home already at present time but im no longer expecting her to call me. well i guess this is it, the time has come. i just hope and pray that no matter what happens she'll be happy and that if ever she'll end up with another guy in the future i sincerely hope that she'll be loved more than i have loved her and more than i love her now.. and as for me i just hope that i'll be able to move on because i know i'll never be happy the way i was with her and its just gonna be useless for me to pray for happiness. i miss my old girl.. i miss my old self..

i need help..

how do you teach yourself to just fall out of love.. how do you take your love away from someone.. if i only have a choice.. it seems as if there's no way i can get away from being hurt.. i love her and it hurts, if i'll just shut up and continue loving her still it hurts and if i let her go i'd die a little each day ang get hurt.. where should i go..

friendster

funny, i left a message on my girl's friendster using my friend's account i ask for her account and said that i can see that she never fail to log on everyday and yet still she cant give me what i'm asking from her. now, its been two days since my message we were able to talk on the phone for 2 consecutive nights, i waited for her to at least say something about my message but she never said anything about it.. what the hell are you hiding!

doubts..

after what i found out i texted her about it and i was mad.. i was hurt.. i felt cheated, i felt so stupid.. i felt so little.. we talk about it, she explained everything .. admitted her fault.. she said she didnt notice how they ended up looking so sweet in the picture because it was a group picture.. i dont know how i was able to accept that reason but i did... i almost gave up on her but she doesnt want to.. she said she's sorry.. promised to never do it again.. i wasnt sure about giving her another chance all i wanted at that point is to have space and time to think about it.. but she said NO.. and that she'll make up for it.. i love her and i cant escape that feeling no matter how hard i try so I gave her another chance and just accepted her explanation even if I wasnt 100% satisfied with her reasons of not telling me.. we moved on.. for a couple of weeks she showed extra time.. extra sweetness.. extra everything.. then everything's back to normal.. arguements once in a while, petty fights.. but we're ok. december came she said she have some work to do in tagaytay for the weekend.. and for the exact same reason i had last october i checked her friendster again while she's in tagaytay.. and bingo! another picture... another set of pictures taken in a booth at glorietta.. my girl, her close friend and the exact same guy we fought a couple of months ago.. some wacky photos.. wacky and sweet photos.. hehe. that time the guy's hands were no longer on my girl's lap.. it was her turn i guess.. =) her arms wrapped around the guy's waist.. with the other friend doing some wacky pose on the other side.. arrrghh.. f__ck! that was straight to my heart.. i had to wait for the next day to confront her.. and boom.. as expected we had a big fight.. i remember she said that i was hurt not because i love her but because she crashed my ego.. i cant believe she said that.. but after a long fight after a near break up.. again.. i gave her another chance and accepted her explanation... i love her... fck love... as of the moment i feel strange.. i dont why but i feel like she's hiding something.. she cant give her friendster account... and her reason? she doesnt have her password.. she saved her password on her officemate's pc and everytime she logs in she just do the copy paste thing so as to protect her account form hackers.. or from me? the only thing i do now is to use my friend's account to check my gf's account how fcking stupid can that be.. strange... really strange.. right now i even have doubts on that tagaytay event she had.. recently i saw some pictures of her officemates taken in tagaytay.. group pictures and she's nowhere to be found.. i cant find any proof.. i dont know how to ask her about it because i asked her many times and she swear to God she was there.... fck love.. fck doubts... fck me...

pains... it all started

this is one hell of a roller coaster ride.. the latter part of 2006 up to present is really a struggle for us that is as far as I am concern. i had multiple attempts of coming home but i never made it for multiple reasons i cant explain how or why it happened. she started to work sometime last june and little by little things change.. we hardly had time to do the same things we usually do before, although she's trying her best at times to still spend time with me. i remember i was having a hard time adjusting to her schedule and to the changes it made, our communication suffered the most and maybe its the same reason why we fight a lot but still we made a decision to go for it and just give extra understanding for each other. we fight over and over for the same reasons.. time.. on my part i just miss those days when she'd cry because we werent able to talk for a day.. now i can see that she's fine with that, she can live with that now.. come october of 2006 another trial came, i think it was one saturday, she never texted or anything, that even if called her up many times she wont answer God knows how i missed her that day.. i decided to check her friendster and just read every sweet messages we had for each other as soon as i open her page i saw some pictures and i never had any idea when and how it happened considering how busy she was like what she always tells me. pictures of her with her friends and the one person i least expected to be there, the guy being paired with my girl by her friends... it was taken at a karaoke bar i believe but im not quite sure where.. my girl seating beside the guy i hated the most with his hands on my girl's lap and their body leaning towards each other.. i felt numb for a moment.. i couldnt stand staring at their picture but at the same time i cant take my eyes away from it.. i was hurt.. big time....

changes..

fast forward to present.. yes we're still a couple but a lot has change.. arguements..fights... a lot.. i feel that she's different now although she insists that she's still the same girl i fell inlove with. i dont know if its just that she became busy with her work. i dont know i just dont know and no matter how many times we talk about it we cant come up with anything. there will be days when she cant even send a single text message and would give me a reason that she's just busy with work and if i wont buy that reason, we're just gonna fight it out so i'll just end up accepting her reason. she'd say i will never understand because i am selfish because the only thing i think about is myself... how can she possibly say that.. whats wrong with missing her.. whats wrong with wanting to talk to her or wanting to spend time with her on the phone.. is that being selfish? she'd say you dont understand because you're not the one who gets tired because all you do there is eat and sleep. yes i am already 23 i am the only guy in the family with my mom working and my sister having her own family basically its just me and my mom.. i dont have a work, i do nothing even if i want to even if i know i need to and even if it kills my pride i dont work, i dont go out. i dont have anybody to talk to because she doesnt want me to. now am i being selfish. i've told you this once, and i'll say it again because i know one day you'll read this.. i am no longer happy not a little, not a bit but i am sticking it out because i love you and thats the only feeling left i have.....

after a month of chatting

so after a month of knowing each other without really spending time together we fell inlove and made a commitment to each other. sweet messages, sweet thoughts, sweet everything.. we continued our communication, every single day, every single night through chatting, exchanging pictures and doing the most creative way we can do to express our love for each other. there was even a problem on my part then, because i had a different picture, so she had an impression that i was the guy on the picture but that was just a mistake, a misunderstanding between me and my friend which we eventually settled with my girl. after that trial her friends started to doubt me but i know she fought for me and i am grateful for that. we held on with our promise to each other that i'll be back for her and she'll wait for me. finally i had a plane ticket but i never had the chance to use it.. i met an accident as far as i can remember it was the day before my flight. i was hospitalized.. almost dead..almost.. i was able to recover.. did some rehab, therapy.. having her as my inspiration. now its been 3 years of being away physically.. i still have that promise of coming back home for her..